TMI Tuesday: Fun(ny) Stuff I Heard

This week’s TMI Tuesday theme is a culmination of weird, funny, and odd questions I have heard over the last month. They were crazy enough so I though they’d be perfect for TMI Tuesday. 

Jack's Answers

1. Finish this thought: Nerds make me ____ ? (idea from PocketRockettz)
Hot, but only the female ones.  There isn't a sub-category of the female gender that doesn't make me hot, really.  For the record, though, I prefer geeky chicks to nerdy ones, and yes there's a difference.  Come on, ladies:  Wow me with your World of Warcraft expertise and your ability to recite verbatim a variety of Monty Python sketches.  Tell me which is your favorite incarnation of Doctor Who.  Show me your prop tricorder and your Force FX lightsaber, or your Hattori Hanzō sword.  (It's getting hot in here!)

2. If you were in a beauty pageant, which would be your ticket to the tiara? (heard on the Newlywed Game)
a. Talent
b. Interview
c. Swimsuit
d. Evening wear (i.e., gown, tuxedo)
I'm inclined to say the interview, as I'm eloquent and erudite, and I always know how to make a first impression.  When I was a teenager and early-twentysomething I found it very easy to schmooze the parents of my dates, and convince them that I was harmless and in no way interested in sex.  On the other hand, evening wear is also an area in which I shine, as I fill a tuxedo as though it were a second skin.  I am frequently a groomsman at my friends' and relatives' weddings not because I'm particularly well-liked, but because the brides-to-be insist that I be included if only so they'll get to stare at me in my tux all day.  (Though flattering, this is often an enormous pain in the ass.)  On the other hand, "talent" encapsulates a vast area, and while I am a talented cook, accomplished writer, etc., it is my sexual talents that I believe would win me the tiara, which I would of course give to Jill as it would probably match nothing that I own.

3. On your body what is eye candy and what is an eyesore?
My face is eye candy, especially my eyes.  I'm probably not the hottest guy in the blogosphere - though I'll wager that I'm up there - but I have a handsome face, and the combination of my eyes and my smile got me thoroughly laid in my single days.  I'm not sure that anything about me could be considered an eyesore, really; but I could stand to lose a few pounds.

4. Your penis is starring in a gritty crime drama? Which part would it play?
a. Straight laced detective
b. Hooded criminal
c. Crooked cop
My penis is neither crooked nor hooded.  It's very straight, so I would be inclined to go with the straight laced detective character.  However, "straight laced detective" isn't descriptive enough.  My penis would play the straight-laced, always-hard-working, red-faced, crew-neck-wearing detective who is prone to throwing up after too much exertion.

5. Would you rather? (as heard on the Graham Norton Show)
a. Eat dog food for every meal for a year or
b. Get shot in the knee
If I had to choose one or the other I would probably go with the dog food thing.  While I presume that the knee would heal, I doubt it would do so completely, and even if it did the kneecap is one of the most painful places to get shot.  I'm pretty strong and resilient, but I don't see myself choosing to experience debilitating pain.  The dog food, on the other hand, would be disgusting, and given my love of food it would be difficult to forego all of the delicious things I eat regularly for cans of wet Alpo.  But it's only for a year, and I imagine the weight loss would do me good.

6. If you crapped yourself at work what would you do? (This was a poll taken at a blues bar…seriously)
a. Go commando
b. Do nothing
c. Turn ‘em inside out
d. Wash in employee sink
I'm going to go off the board here and opt for the nonexistent "e":  Leave work.  I'm guessing that if I shat myself at work I'm probably in dire straits physically; it's not something I do when everything is fine, health-wise.  There is probably something awful brewing in my small intestine, necessitating my going home for the rest of the day, or at the absolute least long enough to grab a clean pair of underwear and some Immodium.

Jill's Answers

1. Finish this thought: Nerds make me ____ ? (idea from PocketRockettz)
Horny, as long as they're not too socially awkward.  I always think of the quote from Revenge of the Nerds about how jocks only think about sports, and nerds only think about sex.  I really like a cute guy in glasses, and when I first met Jack I was overjoyed to learn that he sometimes wears glasses.

2. If you were in a beauty pageant, which would be your ticket to the tiara? (heard on the Newlywed Game)
a. Talent
b. Interview
c. Swimsuit
d. Evening wear (i.e., gown, tuxedo)
Definitely talent.  I look great in an evening gown, but I'm sure my talent for oral sex would win me the tiara.

3. On your body what is eye candy and what is an eyesore?
I love my hair.  It's long and lush and it holds curls well.  Plus it makes nice reins during doggy style.  I also have gorgeous eyes that are brown on the inside with a ring of green and flecks of gold.  They are usually the first thing people notice about me.  When we bought our car a few weeks ago, the saleswoman said she was taken by my eyes and wanted to show us cars all day so that she could stare at my eyes the whole time.  As for the eyesore, I injured my toe a couple weeks ago and the nail turned black.  Unpolished, it's pretty scary to look at.

4. Your penis is starring in a gritty crime drama? Which part would it play?
a. Straight laced detective
b. Hooded criminal
c. Crooked cop
I don't have a penis.  My pussy would portray the hooker with a heart of gold.

5. Would you rather? (as heard on the Graham Norton Show)
a. Eat dog food for every meal for a year or
b. Get shot in the knee
I'll go with the dog food.  When I was a kid my older brother and I dared each other to try the flavored Milk Bone dog treats.  They weren't too bad.  Can I go with those or does it have to be actual dog food?

6. If you crapped yourself at work what would you do? (This was a poll taken at a blues bar…seriously)
a. Go commando
b. Do nothing
c. Turn ‘em inside out
d. Wash in employee sink
If I crapped my pants, I'm washing my panties in the sink, then tossing them and going commando.  I would probably blame the smell on one of my students.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!