Charity Begins at Home

I came across this article today.

Is charity sex better than no sex?

Is pushing yourself when you’re not in the mood an investment in your relationship?

You may be bristling at the phrase “charity sex.” If you’re a woman, perhaps it brings to mind past, award-worthy, faked orgasms. Or maybe it reminds you of that time you bit your tongue and had sex because you were sick of hearing him ask for it. If you’re a guy, you might be thinking, “better than nothing.”
Or possibly, just possibly, you assume I’m referring to guilt-induced sex…... the sort you engage in because you feel bad for not throwing your partner a bone lately... the sort you suffer through, only to feel resentment later on.

But don’t equate charity sex with pity sex. Rather, see charity sex as a means of reestablishing a connection with your partner, and of making an important investment in your relationship.

Think of it as a donation, rather than an assessment. As blogger Heidi Raykeil has written, “The other night I was enjoying some “me” time, curled up on the couch watching the latest episode of "Grey’s Anatomy." Meanwhile, my husband was tossing and turning in bed, stressed out over his latest work project.

Frankly, between McDreamy and McSteamy, I was already pretty satisfied. But if I know one thing about my husband, it’s that sex helps him sleep. So I put down the remote and headed upstairs to take one for the team. That’s right: I had charity sex. And you know what? It was actually pretty hot.”

Pity sex is about checking sex off your to-do list. Charity sex is about checking in with each other. It’s not about meeting someone else’s physical needs—it’s about meeting your relationship’s emotional ones. It’s about opening up, quite literally, to each other.

Why might you engage in charity sex? You might do it because your partner is all wound up from work, and sex relaxes him or her. You might do it because she’s feeling a little down, and sex gives her a boost. Or maybe you do it because —- like some 41 million Americans - you’ve both gone too many days, weeks, or even months without sex.

It’s easy for sex to fall to the bottom of your to-do list when you have so many other things on your mind. The bills? The housework? The kids? The latest episode of "Breaking Bad"? Who has time for sex!? Unfortunately, the less often you have sex, the harder it is to get back into the groove. Testosterone levels drop and, as a result, libido levels drop, too. Before you know it, you’re experiencing the longest dry spell of your life.

Charity? You feel you don’t have enough to give! Fortunately, if you dig deep, you can still do your relationship some good. How?

Fake it ’til you make it. No. I’m not advocating fake orgasms. But there’s definitely something to be said for putting in a little effort. With charity sex, you may not initially feel as if you’re in the mood, but if you start going through the motions, your desire will likely catch up.

As Emily Nagoski has written in the "Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms," “Putting your body through the moves of faking one could actually lead to having one.” So start slowly, with intimate touching. Allow yourself to enjoy some pleasurable sensations. Try not to think about anything —- your to-do list; that meeting tomorrow morning -— but how it feels when the two of you touch. Before you know it, that offering of charity sex will start to feel like a gift to both of you.

Take away the pressure. When you’re not in the mood for sex, an orgasm may seem out of the question. And you may ask yourself: Why even have sex if I’m not getting the big payoff? But there’s a lot to be said about the stuff that happens before the orgasm. So don’t fixate too much on the end result. Rather, enjoy those moan-inducing caresses and toe-curling nibbles as they’re happening. Remain in the moment. You never know. Your body may surprise you.

Remember how good it was. Remember all the reasons you’re together. Remember what things were like when they were still new and undeniably hot. And then think of how much things have changed. How can you give back to that relationship? What are you willing to do to revitalize it?

Is charity sex better than no sex? And can it be a good thing for your relationship? You tell me.

Some thoughts: While reading this article, Jill and I were, to be honest, surprised by phrases like "the sort [of sex] you engage in because you feel bad for not throwing your partner a bone lately", and "take one for the team." Look, I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, even though it's probably going to sound that way, but neither Jill nor I can imagine a period in our lives, past or future, wherein we didn't or won't want sex on pretty much an equal level. I'm not saying that we'll always have sex as frequently or as enthusiastically as we're having it now, especially when our daughter is older and perhaps less able to sleep through noisy lovemaking. I'm not saying we'll always be on equal footing with regard to our desire for sex. But based on our relationship up to this point, neither of us can imagine it. Sure, we know couples whose sex lives changed for the worse over time, but to be honest we always assumed that these couples weren't having the kind of sex we have, or weren't all that into sex to begin with.

I realize that this is a very simplistic view. Even though Jill and I had sex thirty-six times in July, I realize that this may be a career high that we will never again match, let alone exceed. There are many reasons why people are having less sex. In the current economic climate, Americans have to work harder to bring home less money. We raise children. We cook meals. We are tired. We want entertainment after a hard day and all too often this means spending a few hours in front of the television, sometimes falling asleep in front of it. Additionally, we grow complacent in our relationships. We may not try as hard to please our partners. We take them for granted. We assume they're just as tired, or feeling as unsexy, as we are.

Let's face it, Breaking Bad is a critically-acclaimed and very highly-rated cable drama series. But if, as the article suggests, you can't postpone the television watching for a couple nights when the opportunity for sex presents itself, then your priorities weren't skewed toward sex to begin with. You're probably happier watching television. However, if you would rather be having sex with your significant other than watching television but find that television regularly wins out, then I implore you: Set the DVR and have at it.

Do tired, overworked and underappreciated wives really grit their teeth, lie back and think of Johnny Depp? We're sure they do, just as we're sure that sex-starved blue collar husbands beg, plead, cajole and guilt their disinterested wives into having sex with them on their birthdays. But why is this the hackneyed paradigm that we've all come to expect from women's magazines, talk shows and shallow self-help articles on mainstream news websites? Is the fact that men are traditionally portrayed as virile, physical and proactive the reason why they are always the ones in need of sex? Is the fact that women are traditionally portrayed as emotional, prim and - for lack of a better word - ladylike the reason why they are the ones who are sometimes not in the mood? Despite what the author of this article might like us to believe, there are undoubtedly countless male-female couples for whom the opposite is true. Consider the hard-working female CEO who comes home after a long work day eager for sex with the stay-at-home-Dad who's just gotten the kids fed, washed, and put to bed, and doesn't have the energy for sex.

Oh, and one last thing: The author's distinction between pity sex and charity sex is bullshit; the only distinction exists in his own mind. Somehow I doubt that, based on the label, the recipient of "charity sex" would feel like much more of a person than the sorry soul on the receiving end of "pity sex".