TMI Tuesday

Jack's Answers

1. For self-arousal, if you could reach any part of your body with your mouth, which part would you like to reach and why?
Well, I guess the obvious answer would be my cock, not that I find any sort of real pleasure in the idea of autofellatio. Yes, it's supposed to be the holy grail of the male experience, and sure, we've all watched Ron Jeremy do it and thought it was indeed an accomplishment, if a bizarre one. But I don't have any desire to suck my own cock. It seems that it would be too much work, sort of like sixty-nine with the risk of death-by-broken-neck. And since I've never sucked a cock before, it stands to reason that I'd be really bad at it, and therefore the pleasure factor would be infinitesimal. But other than my cock, I can't think of a single other part of my body that I'd want to reach with my mouth; while I get pleasure from, say, having my nipples sucked, I don't get nearly enough to want to do it myself.

Obviously, I can't discuss the topic of autofellatio without recalling a classic scene from Kevin Smith's 1994 film "Clerks." Have Dramamine ready.



2. If you reached that part of your body, how often and how long would you want to stay there?
Probably not very long or often. I don't know that I'm sufficiently confident in my heterosexuality to enjoy sucking even my own cock.

3. If the opportunity arose, what would you like to do to someone else that you have never been game to try before?
In one hundred percent seriousness, I haven't the slightest idea. I can't think of any sex act or even plausible sexual position involving myself and another person that I've yet to try. Locations? Perhaps. Specific people I'd like to do specific things to? No doubt. And I've never been a fan of the Donkey Punch/Cleveland Steamer/Hot Carl school of sex acts that nineteen year-old frat boys find uproariously funny. So I think I'm just about content.

4. You have been selected to swap one of your organs with another member of the opposite sex. What would you swap and why? Who would you choose as the organ donor?
I'd switch my penis for my wife's vagina; we could then have one of those crazy revelatory scenes right out of a 1980s screwball comedy wherein we each wake up and discover that we've switched genders, or at least genitalia. As for why Jill specifically, I enjoy having sex with her, and with our junk switched, we wouldn't have to find new partners.

5. Overnight you have a beauty sleep and inexplicably awaken at dawn having now turned into the most beautiful person on the planet. What would you do differently for the next 24 hours?
What would I do differently as the most beautiful person on the planet? Not much, as I'm already almost there. Seriously, folks, were I the most beautiful person on the planet I imagine I would go apeshit for the first twenty-four hours (at least), having my ass kissed by everybody I came into contact with. Everyone would greet me with a smile! Doors would be held open everywhere I went! McDonald's would serve me burgers that hadn't been dropped on the floor! And yes, the law against first-degree murder would no longer apply to me.

Bonus Question: You are noticed by a talent scout and invited to star in your own x-rated movie for world wide distribution. You are asked to write the plot. Describe your movie plot in one sentence of no more than 20 words.
A small town boy fucks his way to the top, only to lose it all when he gets there.

Jill's Answers

1. For self-arousal, if you could reach any part of your body with your mouth, which part would you like to reach and why?
If I was capable of reaching any part of my body with my mouth, I would have to go with the obvious answer: My clit. Although my nipples, thighs and feet are extremely sensitive to oral stimulation I have always wanted to eat pussy but have never had the opportunity. This would be a convenient way to satisfy my curiosity.

2. If you reached that part of your body, how often and how long would you want to stay there?
Until I came, hopefully! Nothing worse than someone giving you oral pleasure, getting all hot and bothered and having them stop before you're finished.

3. If the opportunity arose, what would you like to do to someone else that you have never been game to try before?
See my answer to question number one.

4. You have been selected to swap one of your organs with another member of the opposite sex. What would you swap and why? Who would you choose as the organ donor?
I'd probably give my brain to a certain ex-boyfriend whose own brain didn't work so well. But it would have to be temporary. I wouldn't want to have his brain forever.

5. Overnight you have a beauty sleep and inexplicably awaken at dawn having now turned into the most beautiful person on the planet. What would you do differently for the next 24 hours?
Whatever I would do, I would do it a lot more confidently.

Bonus Question: You are noticed by a talent scout and invited to star in your own x-rated movie for world wide distribution. You are asked to write the plot. Describe your movie plot in one sentence of no more than 20 words.
Girl meets boy, girl gets boy, girl moves on to the next boy and repeats the process.

TMI Tuesday - Fat Tuesday Edition

Jack's Answers

1. Have you had sex with another person in 2010? Have you passed on an opportunity to [have] sex with another person in 2010?
Yes, with Jill. I have not yet had the opportunity to have sex with anyone else in 2010; therefore I've not passed on such an opportunity, but I was the recipient of one of the most overt pick-up lines imaginable one week ago (see #4, below, for details).

2. What is the funniest thing you have ever said or done during sex? (Orgasmic facial expressions do not count.)
Years ago, I was having sex with a young lady I'd been dating for awhile. She was really into dirty talk, and quite good at it besides. While I was telling her the story of a very tawdry hotel tryst I'd enjoyed in my past, she was asking me leading questions: "Did she suck your cock?" "Did she make you come?" "Did you make her wet?" "Did you fuck her from behind?" Eventually, she asked if I made her moan. I wasn't in any way annoyed by this line of questioning, nor did I find it comical and/or want it to end. In fact, I was quite into it. So I'm not entirely sure why, upon being asked this last question, I decided to make a joke out of the whole thing, devising a scenario in which I physically forced the one-night stand of my story to, yes, moan - I believe my actual dialogue was, "Moan, damn you, moan!" - as the young lady cowered in a corner of the room. Of course, the woman I was relating the story to found herself laughing uncontrollably, and we had to take a break.

3. What is the first thing you notice about a member of the opposite sex?
I wish I was the typical guy for this one; while I do notice a woman's body pretty quickly, it's not the first thing I notice. Typically I notice her face first, and by that I mean the face in its entirety: Fullness of the lips, brightness of the eyes, color of the cheeks, and all the other poetry cliches.

4. What is the best pick-up line you have ever heard? Every [sic] used? Ever been used on you?
Though I like to think of myself as being above tired pick-up lines, there were times during my single years when they were a necessity. I have always considered the ideal pick-up line to be either completely genuine, or else so out-of-left-field that the recipient can't help but take notice. (The effectiveness depends on the mindset of the intended recipient.) It's rare that I find myself on the receiving end of a pick-up line, though last week I found myself in the checkout line of a local grocery store purchasing several pounds of pork roast when the woman behind me leaned over and whispered, "I love to eat pork." Usually I am pretty good at flirting, though this time I confess to being taken so aback that I mumbled a completely inane response that killed whatever aura of mystery that may have led the young lady to engage me. As for my own pick-up lines, I have had moderate success approaching a woman at a bar and informing her that she dropped something. When she asks what she dropped, I would reply, "My jaw," and offer to buy her a drink. Bear in mind, we're only talking moderate success.

5. Where is the most unique [place] you have ever had sex?
Since most of the out-of-the-ordinary places I've had sex are far from unique, I'm going to go with a child's treehouse (the child being the little brother of a girl I was dating) on the Fourth of July. The fireworks definitely made it more exciting.

Bonus (as in optional): Do you pee in the shower? If so, has any SO known that you pee in the shower? Has any SO peed in the shower?
Yes I do, but I aim for the drain. I'm not sure if Jill knows (I don't usually pee when we're in the shower together), but she will as soon as I post this. I have no clue whether my SOs (past or present) were shower-urinators.

Jill's Answers

1. Have you had sex with another person in 2010? Have you passed on an opportunity to [have] sex with another person in 2010?
Yes (Jack) and no.

2. What is the funniest thing you have ever said or done during sex? (Orgasmic facial expressions do not count.)
I really can't think of anything! I'm sure there is something funny that I have done or said during sex, possibly while drunk, but I have no recollection. If I think of anything, I will post it!

3. What is the first thing you notice about a member of the opposite sex?
His eyes.

4. What is the best pick-up line you have ever heard? Every [sic] used? Ever been used on you?
I'm not really the kind of person to use pick-up lines, but I have heard more than my share, and most of those have been used on me. Some even worked. One of the best I have ever heard was, "If I had a dime for every time I saw someone as pretty as you I'd have a dime." One of the corniest ones was, "Just call me Fred Flintstone, because I can make your bed rock!" An old boyfriend's roommate once tried to come onto me by saying that he was about to retire to his bedroom to masturbate, and did I mind if he fantasized about me while he did. I didn't sleep with him, obviously, but I was flattered and I told him he didn't need my permission to fantasize. Jack told me later that he probably wanted me to explicitly give him permission, and that he was hoping - if I wouldn't sleep with him - that I would show an interest in his solo activities.

5. Where is the most unique [place] you have ever had sex?
On top of the slide at a local park.

Bonus (as in optional): Do you pee in the shower? If so, has any SO known that you pee in the shower? Has any SO peed in the shower?
Yes I have, he knows now, and probably.

A Different Kind of V.D.

Last week, one of my single friends posted a message on Facebook inviting all of her single friends to a Valentine's Day party on Friday night. But it wasn't a mixer for hopeful singles to meet other hopeful singles; no, it was specifically for her female friends who haven't yet found love to commiserate about what bastards men are and how much they hate their romantic lives, or lack thereof.

I felt sorry for her, for just a moment. She's a very sweet person, attractive, and with much to offer to the right guy. But I really thought that the stereotypical bitter "men are pigs" attitude was beneath her. Because it apparently is not, on Tuesday afternoon I toyed with the idea of posting a comment on her invitation:

"That reminds me: I need to order flowers to be sent to Jill at work! Thanks!"

(I did have flowers sent to Jill at work, and I hadn't forgotten; I like that sort of ostentatious display of romance not because I feel I need to compensate for a lack of passion in our relationship, but mostly because that type of sweetness appears to be lacking in society, at least from where I'm sitting. Besides, I love her and I want the whole world to know.)

In the end, I didn't post the comment on my friend's Facebook page. Perhaps it would have been rude or mean to rub in the faces of my friend and her friends my utter joy on Valentine's Day, but I don't refrain from doing it the rest of the year so she probably would've understood, or even appreciated my little dig. Perhaps it would have been noble to show her that there are good men out there, men who won't cheat or play mind games, and not to give up hope. In the end I decided not to post my comment for the sole reason that Jill is also friends with this person, and would've been able to read the comment. And although I've not yet missed a Valentine's Day or birthday since we met, I know my wife is not the sort to become complacent and expect such a thing. Everytime I send her flowers at work I immediately get an appreciative, gushing phone call expressing not only her love for me, but also some of the naughty things she plans to do to me as soon as we see each other; and that's why the tradition continues.

If you're fortunate enough to have found someone special, Jill and I wish you the happiest of Valentine's Days, but warn you not to use this day as an excuse to forget about love and romance the rest of the year. If you are alone today, enjoy Singles Awareness Day (ironically, SAD), and take solace in the fact that you don't have to spend heaps of money on flowers, dinner, chocolates and whatnot; or take part in crass commercialism of the type formerly reserved for Christmas.

-Jack

TMI Tuesday - Deadly Sins Edition

Jack's Answers

1. LUST: Besides your current Significant Other who do you lust for or have you lusted for?
Most women. If I have to be more specific than that, I will say that in the past I have lusted after my high school Spanish teacher, as well as various women I dated or wanted to date. Of late I find myself lusting for numerous platonic female friends, as well as more than a couple of my sisters-in-law, though I've taken a lesson from Jimmy Carter and confined my lust to my heart (or at least my mind). While Jill may have no problem with my quiet attraction to other women, there's no telling how THEY might take it.

2. GLUTTONY: What food brings out your inner glutton?
At the moment I'm going to say pizza. Tomorrow you'd get a different answer.

3. GREED: What are you greedy for?
Happiness. Can I be greedy for happiness? If I can, put me down for that, because if one is truly happy, one needs not be greedy for anything else.

4. SLOTH: What is your plan for an ideal day of sloth?
Sleeping in until about nine or ten, then getting dressed - unlike my wife I can't be comfortable in pajamas for very long after I've woken up - and doing some things around the house, likely while watching movies or television. That's about as idle as I care to be.

5. WRATH: Describe a time that you let out a can of whoop ass on someone.
I once lost it on a guy in defense of his girlfriend, who was a friend of mine at the time. Wasn't proud of my actions then, and I'm not particularly proud of my actions fifteen years later. But it needed to happen.

6. ENVY: Who or what do you envy? Why?
I envy those who can be truly happy without accumulation of material things. I've never known what that's like.

7. PRIDE: Have you ever had to swallow your pride? What are you proud of?
Of course I have. I'm not always right, though I frequently am. When I am wrong about something, I'll quickly admit it, if only to deprive the party that is right the opportunity to gloat. I'm proud of my relationship with Jill, and the fact that, together, we have built the sex life I've always dreamed of having.

Jill's Answers

1. LUST: Besides your current Significant Other who do you lust for or have you lusted for?
I have actively lusted after the husband of a close friend of mine, especially when I was single. I would never have tried to seduce him without her blessing, but had she asked me to have a threesome with them, I would have agreed without any hesitation. Besides him, I have fantasized about many other friends, including some of the friends who regularly (or occasionally) read this blog. You know who you are.

2. GLUTTONY: What food brings out your inner glutton?
Mashed potatoes. Hot sourdough bread and butter.

3. GREED: What are you greedy for?
Sex, love and attention, not necessarily in that order. I can't get enough of any of them.

4. SLOTH: What is your plan for an ideal day of sloth?
Waking up around noon and hanging out by a warm fire in my PJs. Maybe reading a great book for awhile. Then curling up on the couch to watch a chick flick while drinking some peppermint hot chocolate.

5. WRATH: Describe a time that you let out a can of whoop ass on someone.
I can't think of any off the top of my head! It's not that I'm not that kind of person, or that I've never let someone have it (verbally more likely than physically). But these things happen so rarely that I can't recall.

6. ENVY: Who or what do you envy? Why?
I envy people like my great uncle and my grandmother, who were so warm and outgoing that they could make you feel like the most important person in their life everytime they spoke to you, or even everytime they were in your presence.

7. PRIDE: Have you ever had to swallow your pride? What are you proud of?
I've had to swallow my pride many times when I was wrong about something. I am proud of the difference I have made in the lives of the people I work with. I'm very proud of the woman I have become, and the mother that I will be.

TMI Tuesday - Six Degrees Edition

Jack's Answers

1. What famous people share your birthday? Any the same year as well as day?
Steve Martin, Mila Kunis, Wim Wenders, David Crosby, Gary Larson. There are a few allegedly famous people who share the year as well as the day, but they weren't famous enough (to me) to warrant inclusion.

2. Have you ever shared an address (before, during or after) with anyone famous?
I onced shared living space with Ted Kaczynski - that's right, the Unabomber - when we both attended Harvard University in the late 1950s. Either that, or no I haven't. Not sure which.

3. Who else has your name? (Google yourself and see who else shows up)
My full name is pretty uncommon, so I figured I'd list some folks who share my first name: Jack Bauer, Captain Jack Sparrow, Captain Jack Harkness, Jack Skellington, Jack Sprat, Jack Nicholson, Jack Kerouac, Jack Kennedy, Jack Black, Jack White, Jack of Jack and the Beanstalk fame, Jack Benny, Jack Lemmon, Jack the Ripper, Jack Squat, Jack Shit, Jackass, Jackalope, Jackanapes, Jack Off, Jackrabbit, Jack-o-Lantern, Jack of All Trades, Jackpot. That's all I got.


4. Test the Six Degrees theory. Do you know someone who might know someone who might know someone who might know someone who might know someone who knows President Obama? How about, say Dolly Parton?
I literally have no clue whether anyone I know is six degrees (or even twelve) away from President Obama, or Dolly Parton, or anyone else. However...see below.


5. Try the sexual version. Have you had sex with someone who might have . . . anyone famous? (e.g. I slept with a woman who had slept with a Hollywood stuntman, who might have....)
I slept with someone who claimed to have had sex with someone who worked for Bill Clinton in his second term. That person could very well have had sex with with one of the many women Clinton had sex with.

Jill's Answers


1. What famous people share your birthday? Any the same year as well as day?
Bobby Lee, Elvira, Ken Kesey, David Souter, John Ritter, Doug E. Fresh, Bryan Singer, Dustin Nguyen, Baz Luhrmann, Rita Rudner.

2. Have you ever shared an address (before, during or after) with anyone famous?
If I did, it's news to me!

3. Who else has your name? (Google yourself and see who else shows up)
I entered my maiden name into Google and found that I share names with a novelist, a photographer, and a musician, and that was just the first three results!

4. Test the Six Degrees theory. Do you know someone who might know someone who might know someone who might know someone who might know someone who knows President Obama? How about, say Dolly Parton?
I know a couple famous people in less than six degrees. Of course, I probably shouldn't mention them by name.

5. Try the sexual version. Have you had sex with someone who might have . . . anyone famous? (e.g. I slept with a woman who had slept with a Hollywood stuntman, who might have....)
This one is definitely a yes!