Halloween Porn

Last December, I wrote an entry in which I took a not-very-close look at a number of holiday-themed porn films. Two months earlier, I'd considered posting a similar entry for Halloween on horror-themed porn. Yes, there is horror themed porn. I've never been one to write lengthy, in-depth reviews, especially of porn films, so I thought I'd give a very quick look at a handful of titles Jill and I watched recently.

First up is Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre (2005).


This title, directed by adult legend Jonathan Morgan, manages to rip off - sorry, parody - a number of notable horror films, including Friday the 13th, Psycho, Jaws, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Scream, and I Know What You Did Last Summer, as well as, inexplicably, American Beauty.

A number of shots appear to be borrowed from various slasher movies, notably the Friday the 13th series,



while others are straight out of Halloween:



Among the other films referenced are The Ring,

and The Blair Witch Project.


The killer, when unmasked, appears to be a cross between Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Leatherface.

Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre is an entertaining film, to be sure. The violence, where present, is not graphic and cannot possibly be taken seriously. It's got a decent sense of humor, especially for a porn film, and it's clear that the director is familiar with the staples of the horror genre: nubile college students, ineffective police officers, creepy locals issuing sinister warnings, and masked psychopaths carrying, yes, power tools. And of course there is plenty of sex.



As a fan of both horror and porn, this is a fun combination of both.

Next up is Friday the 13th: A Nude Beginning (1987).


While this movie borrows its title and subtitle from the fifth film in Paramount's Friday the 13th franchise, it borrows little else. The protagonist of this film may be named Jason, and he may briefly be seen wearing a hockey goalie's mask, but there is no real resemblance between the two properties. Unlike his horror film counterpart, this Jason has hair, speaks, and is not an axe-wielding maniac. In this film, Jason looks a lot like 1980s adult film star Paul Thomas, seen below.

As near as I can tell, the plot involves Jason in Hell, which utilizes the standard community theater "scary" set design. In Hell, he and a fellow Hellion, played by Amber Lynn, have a competition to see who can corrupt the most pious souls on Earth. The plot itself is a little threadbare, and it's quite light on horror elements. The whole production seems to exist in order to lampoon televangelist Jimmy Swaggart, as well as parody the Iran-Contra scandal. Nina Hartley appears as an anti-porn crusader. She is seen below, swallowing Jason's machete:

Despite its title, Friday the 13th: A Nude Beginning may not be the perfect porn film to watch on Halloween night. But at least there's not much story getting in the way. It may be standard '80s adult fare, but is that really a bad thing?

The third film we watched is Night of the Giving Head (2008), a film with one of the funniest (if grammatically incorrect) titles we've ever heard.

The story is pretty ridiculous, even for porn: Solar radiation has led to the infection of semen, causing women who ingest it orally to become, that's right, zombies. It's a flimsy excuse to portray zombies giving blowjobs. And by zombies, I mean adult actresses in dime-store makeup chanting, "More cock! More cum!" See below:



Clearly, special effects legend Tom Savini can rest easy. Hey, call me old fashioned, but I expect my zombies to be a bit more heavily made-up than this. The zombies I thought were cool growing up can be seen below.






Seriously, would it have killed them to apply a little light blue or gray greasepaint? I suppose it's a moot point, as watching zombies give blowjobs to the living is one of the few things that doesn't turn me on. Make no mistake, the sex scenes are decent, if you can get past the distracting make-up effects and the laughable nature of it all.

Our final pseudo-scary porn film is This Ain't the Munsters XXX (2008).

A spoof of beloved 1960s sitcom The Munsters, this title features all the characters fans know and love, most in various states of undress. The plot concerns Herman planning to surprise his wife Lily by having a monstrously large cock transplanted onto his body for their wedding anniversary.

There are a number of sex scenes in This Ain't the Munsters XXX, most of which would be much hotter if not for heavy amounts of monster make-up and prosthetics, colored light filters and other not-so-special effects. If you've got a Butch Patrick fetish, this title may be just what you're looking for, as Eddie Munster (now a rock star) has a decent scene with a couple groupies.

In addition, there is a fairly vanilla sex scene featuring niece Marilyn and her boyfriend,

and a graveyard sex scene involving Grandpa. There aren't too many scenes wherein the characters interact with one another, however - I was seriously expecting Marilyn and Lily to give each other a tongue lashing. In fact, the only scene involving more than one character from the original TV series is the final one, in which Herman lets Lily try out his newly-attached cock.


All told, This Ain't the Munsters XXX is a film that almost must be seen to be believed, and I'm hard-pressed to determine which audience is apt to find it more bizarre a spectacle: Those who grew up watching The Munsters, or those who've never heard of it. While I suppose a horror aficionado might find something to get off to, for me it's in the same pile as Night of the Giving Head. I can only imagine what the respective estates of Fred Gwynne and Yvonne DeCarlo make of it.

-Jack

The Power of a Fantasy

During a recent Saturday afternoon lovemaking session, I asked Jill to tell me about one of her recent fantasies. I do this often, as we are both fans of dirty talk during sex, and because I'm always turned on by what she tells me in the heat of passion. As longtime readers of this blog are no doubt aware, we have a healthy and varied fantasy life, both alone and together. It is not uncommon for Jill to tell me that she fantasized - or is fantasizing right now - about just about anything. Her and another woman? Check. Her and another man? Check. Her with two men? Check. Me with another woman? Check. Me with two women? Uh-huh. Same-room with close friends? Absolutely. Sex in a pool, shower, hot tub, or other water-based locale? Of course. Sex while driving? Definitely. I think you get the picture.

So needless to say, I was surprised to hear Jill say that she hadn't fantasized about anything recently. No, it turns out that my wife has become more receptive to visual stimulation. In other words, porn and lots of it. This is, of course, not to say that her enjoyment of porn is a recent development; it most certainly is not. However, the fact that she didn't immediately have an erotic scenario in mind was somewhat alarming to me. I suppose I've been spoiled in the past by her willingness to share. But I could almost see it if she had a fantasy and just didn't want to share it. No, this was different - she hadn't been fantasizing about anything.

It's worth noting that we were watching porn at the time. Though the title of the movie doesn't immediately come to mind, it was a girl-girl scene featuring Nikita Denise and another adult actress whose face I knew but whose name escaped me. The ladies were sexy, there was plenty of oral, and I could see why it was on Jill's rotation. Even though she'd already had an orgasm - more than one, as is her preference - I decided to re-focus my attention on her. I slipped out, much to her protest, and lay down beside her. We got into the spoon position, me behind her, and as we observed the on-screen action, I began to touch her.

"How does this make you feel?" I asked, gesturing at the television.

Jill apparently hadn't noticed the gesture. "You feel good."

"And how about the movie?" I continued, and moved my hand to her engorged clit.

"It's hot," she said, her words barely a whisper. I took her clit between my fingers and began to massage it sensuously. At the moment, Nikita knelt before the unknown blonde, fingering her and lavishing her pussy with some tongue action. As the blonde braced herself against some kind of gaudy green ottoman, I nuzzled the side of Jill's neck.

"Which of those two would you rather be right now?" I asked between kisses.

"Either one," she said, undoubtedly trying to concentrate on what I was doing to her. After some further prompting, she made a stand. "I'd like to be her," she said, indicating Nikita, who by now was buried face-deep in the other actress. The blonde had turned over, enjoying her partner's oral ministrations from behind. "I'd go down on her for sure." This time "her" referred to the fairer-haired young lady on the receiving end. That turned me on, of course; Jill has often said that she would like to have another woman perform oral sex on her under the right circumstances, but it's not every day that she so enthusiastically discusses being the performer.

On screen, the two women switched places. We continued to watch, and I continued to try and bring my wife to another orgasm. After a moment or two, I prompted her again: "So if you're that one, who's the other girl?" Dreamily, Jill spoke the name of her college roommate. Without seeing her face, I could tell that her eyes were closed, and that she was lost in the scenario she had created.

"Maybe we've gone out to lunch and we have some wine," she began. "Then we go back to her place and we decide to get a little more comfortable." My cock throbbed as I imagined the two of them at play. "Next thing you know she's filling up that big bathtub of theirs, and we're taking off each other's clothes." My stroking of Jill's clit intensified as did the story. Before long, she fell silent, clearly enjoying the fantasy as it played out in her mind.

On the screen, Nikita enjoyed a very obvious climax, her ass wiggling back and forth as the blonde continued to devour her. Hearing her moans, Jill joined her in a brief but intense orgasm that left my fingers very damp. Then it was my turn.

After we were finished, we lay in bed and talked. I told Jill that I'm hardly the sort of person to discourage visual stimulation; far from it. But I cautioned her against letting her imagination stagnate. After all, the mind may just be the most important sexual organ we have.

-Jack

TMI Tuesday

Jack's Answers

1. What are three mistakes someone could make on the first date with you that would automatically make you turn down a second date with them?
a. Texting or taking phone calls during the date.
b. Spending the entire evening bashing men in general.
c. Treating it like anything but a first date (i.e. no talk of marriage, please).

2. Pick an animal that best displays your personality. :)
Some sort of primate, definitely. I'm guessing a chimpanzee, though there's something to be said for the bonobo.

3. If your so stopped having sex with you, how long would you stay?
In the case of my current significant other (i.e. my wife), I suppose I might stay forever, depending on other circumstances. (Do we still love each other? Would she consider an open relationship if she's no longer willing to have sex with me? Is the tremendous emotional connection still there despite the lack of sex?) I value physical intimacy very highly, and the lack of it from the woman I married would be a tremendous blow to my ego, I'm sure.

4. Are you more passive or aggressive when the relationship becomes physical?
I can go either way, but I think I tend to be a bit more dominant.

5. Have you ever been INSIDE a store that sold adult themed toys and videos?
Yes, though it's been awhile. Too long, in fact...

Jill's Answers

1. What are three mistakes someone could make on the first date with you that would automatically make you turn down a second date with them?
a. Being too self-focused
b. Demonstrating bad hygiene or manners
c. Talking at length about his ex

2. Pick an animal that best displays your personality. :)
A doggy. If you need me to explain this you haven't been reading this blog. :)

3. If your so stopped having sex with you, how long would you stay?
I would probably stay forever if I loved him (as I most certainly do with Jack), though I would be very sad and probably tempted to stray. I need regular sex.

4. Are you more passive or aggressive when the relationship becomes physical?
Probably passive, but I think I'm the one who initiated it the first time we had sex.

5. Have you ever been INSIDE a store that sold adult themed toys and videos?
Of course!

Am I a pervert? Of course.

I found the title of this product amusing.


Credit for the image - and my awareness of Organic Batter Blaster goes to i was really hungry, a food blog I happened upon in my internet travels.

-Jack