He Said, She Said: Jill's Story

The memory of that night is still vivid in my mind. Jack and I were enjoying an uneventful evening at home, and you were staying with your parents out of town. When you logged onto Yahoo Messenger and invited us to view your webcam, I admit that I did wonder if it would lead us to an intimate place with you, but I wasn't expecting it to. After all, a friendly chat with you is lots of fun.

When the conversation turned to sex as it sometimes does, I felt myself heating up. We talked about our shopping trip to the new Adam and Eve store the night before. We talked about Jack using my new remote control vibrator on me in the middle of a crowded department store. I was getting aroused just thinking about it. When Jack told me about your fantasy, it turned me on even more. It's rare that I entertain a naughty thought of myself with another couple, meaning without Jack. It seems so taboo to me. For that reason, as well as the fact that it was an enormous ego trip for me, this fantasy made me wet very quickly.

We sat on the couch in front of Jack's laptop, watching your cam as you watched us. To tease you, I pulled down my top and showed you my cleavage. We knew that your family was still awake, and any real naughtiness had to wait until later, but I was feeling aroused as I took off my clothes and lay down on the couch. As Jack gave me an incredibly relaxing and erotic massage, he read the instant messages you sent. You feigned jealousy, remarking coyly about how enjoyable the massage looked, and how you wished Vincent was there to give you one.

The massage was soothing, but as it continued I found myself longing for greater stimulation. The feeling of Jack's erection against my body as he worked on my tired neck and back turned me on. Hungry for a taste, I asked if he wanted his cock sucked. He did, but he thought the sex should wait until you were alone and could enjoy it.

Eventually you went to your room, and the fun began. Jack stood in front of the webcam and I knelt down before him, finally releasing him from his clothing. He was hard, throbbing with desire as I lowered my mouth onto him. I began to play as well, touching myself with one hand as I touched him with the other. The taste of his cock, and the feel of it in my mouth, aroused me a great deal.

As I stroked him in and out of my mouth, Jack played with my hair, knowing what a turn-on that is for me. Soon he told me that you were playing as well, and I turned to see for myself. I felt an electric charge course through my body as I saw you in the throes of self-pleasure, and it intensified my own. After my first orgasm I wanted another one, and I got my Rabbit out of the bedroom. I was already soaking wet, and slipping its head inside my swollen lips was quick and easy. As the ears of the rabbit flicked rapidly against my clit, its head throbbed inside me, and I could feel another climax building deep within me. It wouldn't be long at this rate.

Jack's moans were intensifying also, and I wondered if we would come at the same time. The rabbit on my clit was driving me closer and closer to the edge, and stolen glances at your webcam threatened to push me over. The look on your face, and the thought of what was happening just off camera to make you look that way, aroused me further. The sound of Jack's breathing signaled that he was dangerously close. So was I.

"She's going to come," Jack said between moans, and I tried to watch your orgasm without stopping what I was doing to him. It wasn't easy, but I managed. You looked sexy as you came, and evidently Jack agreed, filling my mouth with the fruits of my labor. I savored him for just a moment before concentrating solely on my own relief. I rode the rabbit like a cowgirl, bucking my hips up and down on it for what seemed like an hour. Seeing your breasts at that crucial moment was all it took. I exploded, feeling my wetness rushing out of me, clinging to my cheeks and dripping down my thighs. Then I collapsed against the couch, loving the relaxed sensation that was spreading throughout my body.

We stayed online and continued to chat for awhile. It occurred to me that this was a sort of afterglow, very much like the cozy feeling you get after being physically intimate with someone. I wished you were here because at that moment I wanted nothing more than to give you a big hug. It was sweet, sexy and very comfortable all at once. Eventually, though, we signed off and went to bed.

My last thought as I went to sleep that night was, It was so nice that she didn't log out of chat as soon as she had gotten off.

-Jill

He Said, She Said: Jack's Story

On a recent Saturday evening, Jill and I found ourselves at home, chatting online with our friend Mia Wallace, who was staying with her parents out of town. The conversation lasted a few hours and covered a wide array of topics, one of which was sex. I’m sure this must have been an awkward subject for Mia, as she was visiting with her parents at the same time; however, Jill and I consider ourselves very fortunate that we have friends with similar tastes and opinions when it comes to such subjects.

Eventually, Mia invited us to view her webcam, and we gladly reciprocated. In the past, we had played on cam with Mia and her husband Vincent, and even talked (albeit off-the-cuff) about taking things further. We love to watch, and they put on a very exciting show. We’ve cammed with them since then, though not always in a sexual context. Still, the voyeurs in Jill and I find it an immense turn-on to watch someone’s webcam, knowing that literally anything can happen.

With her family still awake, Mia’s webcam remained focused on her lovely visage. However, Jill and I were home alone and had no concerns about impropriety. Additionally, we’d spent the afternoon visiting local wineries and Jill, moreso than I, was still buzzed from copious amounts of wine. She stripped down to her panties and lay down on the couch, where I gave her a long and sensuous massage. Intimating that she would be interested in more of a show than this, Mia reminded us that she wasn’t alone, and hoped that we would pace ourselves so that the real action would take place at such a time that she could properly enjoy it.

After the massage ended, we tried to change the subject temporarily in the hopes of slowing things down for her. However, Mia told us of a fantasy she’d had recently – one that involved Jill – and we found ourselves right where we left off. We related a semi-public sexual experience we’d enjoyed the night before and, tired of waiting for the family to turn in for the night, Mia retreated to the privacy of her room. When the cam show resumed, Jill knelt beside the couch and gave me a blowjob while Mia watched. Her energy and enthusiasm turned me on, as I got the distinct impression that Jill’s efforts were for Mia’s benefit as much as for my own.

Knowing that we had an audience was exciting, and glancing at my laptop from time to time, it turned me on to see Mia watching in rapt attention. I didn’t know that she was pleasuring herself as she watched; just knowing that she was watching turned the excitement factor up to eleven, and I had to distract myself to keep from coming too quickly.

Before long, Jill got her Rabbit out of the bedroom, and rode it while continuing to give me head. Mia’s reaction to this was quite exciting; the “rabbit trick”, as we call it, is something that Mia, Vincent, Jill and I all find extraordinarily exciting. Mia announced that she was wet, and actively rubbing her clit. She even gave us a glimpse of the wetness gathered on her fingertips, though not its source that we both salivated over. When she came, the sight of Mia’s head thrown back, eyes closed in the rapture of an intense climax, sent me sailing over the edge, and I followed suit with an explosive orgasm of my own.

Jill had already come twice, though nowhere near as impressively. Now, she was working toward a grand finale, an orgasm that would signal the end of an amazing night. As Mia watched, Jill writhed on her Rabbit, the bulbous head vibrating within her even as the rabbit ears massaged her engorged clit. All at once, Mia threw off her pajama top, thrusting her full breasts toward her webcam. This was all the stimulus Jill needed, and she came, thrashing against the couch.

The three of us made small talk for awhile before going to bed. It was after one o’clock in the morning, and we each had an early start planning for the morning. Mia thanked us for the show, and we thanked her as well. Though we’ve cammed a few times since then, the thrill of performing for such a sexy audience has eluded us.

-Jack

And You Thought YOUR Sex Life Was Fucked Up!

Well, maybe you didn’t. But if you did, fear not, as you’re not alone. We frequent the website F My Life, which is a collection of unfortunate stories sent in by visitors. They’re the sort of situations anyone might find themselves in, given a little bad luck. They’re all true (allegedly; feel free to make your own judgment on that), and most are quite funny – at least to someone not actually experiencing them. Users can also vote on whether the writer of each story deserved it, or whether his or her life does indeed suck.

The stories on the site are sorted into several categories, including love, health, work, money, and intimacy (formerly sex). For your reading pleasure, here are some of the “Intimacy” stories we found most memorable. Per the site’s guidelines, all stories begin with “Today,” and end with “FML”.

Today, I told my dad I was going to Walgreens and asked if he needed anything. He needed condoms, and that I should call him when I get there so he can explain the kind he likes. FML

Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML

Today, I was watching a movie with my parents. They were both on the bed, and I was lying on the floor next to their bed. Halfway through the movie, apparently forgetting that I was in the room, my parents started getting friendly. Three feet away from me. FML

Today, my mom had one too many and announced to all of my friends that, if she had the opportunity, she would bang Gwen Stefani. FML

Today, my grandparents were staying over my house for a couple of nights. As I was walking to my bathroom in the middle of the night, I noticed their door was open, and my grandfather was awake. I tried to say ‘Hi” to him, but he didn’t hear me. I then noticed that he was masturbating. FML

Today, my mom talked about how it's interesting how there's so many different size of penises. She also told me that since she's doing hormone therapy she's able to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stop and go traffic for 3 hours. When I turned on the radio, she turned it off and talked more. FML

Today, my grandmother gave me a huge speech on being abstinent until marriage. Being the honest person that I am, I told her I wasn’t a virgin anymore. Instead of being mad and telling me I was going to hell. She asked me what my favourite things to do sexually were. And told me hers in detail. FML

Today, I was on my way home from a friends house. I called home ahead of time to let my parents know. My dad picked up and in a panting voice said, “Now isn’t a good time, drive around the block for 15 minutes.” FML

Today, I saw the following message on my Facebook News Feed: “Morning Sex: [My mom] and [My dad] are fans. Click here to Join” FML

Today, I was talking to my 81-year-old widowed grandmother on the phone, and she told me she was giving up sex for lent. Not only do I now have a vision of my grandma having sex, I am reminded that she is having more sex than me. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breaths on my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck/ear and breathed, “I love how you smell like my grandmother’s house.” FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I started stroking the back of his neck with both of my hands. He told me, “Your hands are nice and smooth like my grandmother’s.” FML

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room…my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex. It got very wild and soon was interrupted by a knock on my door. My dad had come home early from work, and heard the whole thing. He demanded my boyfriend to come over, and he had a sex talk with him on the couch in front of the whole family. FML

Today, I sent pictures to my ex of me and my new boyfriend in bed. He sent them to my dad. FML

Today, I woke up finding myself violently humping my pillow. My mom recorded it. FML

Today, my girlfriend’s mother called her in the bedroom for a serious talk. I overheard them arguing and yelling at each other. It turns out her mother found a condom next to her garbage. We got caught because her cat swallowed the condom and threw it up.

Today, I was in my room with the door locked and my mom knocked on the door. I said “don’t come in, i’m naked!” She said “That’s okay!” so she unlocked the door and walked in. I was masturbating. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking “What are you doing?” Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quick. Then my boyfriend answers, “Zoe. I’m doing Zoe.” FML

Today, I woke up, completely naked, in bed with a guy I met the night before. We were both drunk the night before and I had agreed to go home with him. The reason I woke up was that someone was knocking on his bedroom door. Turns out he lives with his mom and she made us pancakes. FML

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go, “don’t worry, I’m not using these with Kim.” That didn’t help. FML

Today, a 32 year old man I had been dating for a few months, finally took me to his place. To my surprise, this bachelor had a huge and very clean home! Also, to my surprise, I met the REAL homeowner. His grandmother, who came home early. We were having sex on her couch at the time. FML

Today, my mom cleaned up my room. I had a drawer filled with condoms, 2 vibrators, and a bondage kit. She organized the condoms and vibrators in a shoe box. FML

Today, I had to call my mom and tell her about the insurance claim that is going to be coming through in the next couple weeks. I spent the night in the hospital. I’m allergic to lube. FML

Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidentally sent it to my dad and got a text back saying “You definitely take after your mom.” FML

Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She’s sending me to bible camp. FML

Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: “love mom.” FML

Today, while I was making out with my boyfriend, he left my dorm suddenly without telling me where he was going. A few hours later, he texted me to tell me that being with me made him feel dirty, and he had gone to confession. He then called me a sinner. FML

Today, I was talked into having sex with my boyfriend of 4 years. I had always wanted to wait till marriage but my boyfriend convinced me otherwise. Once we were done, he said he could never marry me because I was no longer pure. FML

Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said “Do you believe in Jesus?” FML

Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came “Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!” FML

Today, was my wedding night. We had decided to wait until marriage to have sex. When I undressed and smiled at my new wife, she burst into tears and cried, “please don’t make me do this.” FML

Today, being on my boyfriend’s street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I’ve ever had: A massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML

Today, I was looking at recommendations on Amazon, which included several vibrators. Just a few days earlier I was looking at books on anger management. Amazon thinks I need to get laid. They’re right. FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying “U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo”. FML

Today, I came home from working twelve hours straight. Feeling rather frisky, I attempted to seduce my wife upon arriving home. She said that sleep was better than sex and proceeded to go directly to bed. It was only 6:30 PM. FML

Today, I went to my girlfriend’s sorority formal, we were both drunk. We went into the bathroom, she started to give me head. After about 30 seconds the song changes and she jumps up and goes out to dance, leaving me there. Door open. Penis out. It was the song she requested. FML

Today, I was having sex with a girl I really liked for the first time. After a while I told her I was about to come. Her response: “Lucky you.” FML

Today, my group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were playing ‘never have I ever.’ My girlfriend’s turn came up and she went with, ‘Never have I ever had an orgasm.’ FML

Today, after a night of drinking, I woke up with some chips in my bed. I thought it was funny so I went to tell my roommate. Her response was, “That’s so funny! It’s a typical night out for the two of us. I wake up the next morning with a boy in my bed and you wake up with food in yours.” FML

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I’d ever had. The trouble was, it wasn’t about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend while he was eating potato chips if he wanted to eat me. He looked at the potato chips, he looked at me and said, “Unless your vagina turns into a potato chip, I’d rather eat these.” FML

Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, “If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?” His response, “Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?” He was hard, for ice cream. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops, looks directly at me, and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN!" and proceeds to flip me over, grab his clothes, and run out of my room. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going “shit, shit!” Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted “I forgot to set my TiVO!” FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The TV was on with the volume low, as we had been too preoccupied to turn it off. All of the sudden, my boyfriend stopped mid-thrust. He was watching the TV. House was on. My boyfriend stopped to watch the differential diagnosis. FML

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML

Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was “Can’t, Platinum just came out.” I didn’t know what that meant so I searched “Platinum 3-22-2009” on Google. I found out he’s talking about a new Pokemon game. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play. FML

Today, I asked my Swedish friend for some lines to impress this Swedish girl I met at an expat party he took me to. I practised them all evening before I met her. I told her my feelings, and she scowled. Apparently I had wished the devil upon her – after asking if I could ejaculate on her face. FML

Today, I was going to have sex with my hispanic boyfriend. I wanted to turn him on, so I asked my friend how to say “fuck me” in Spanish. She claimed it was “pollo frito”. I then proceeded to have sex, constantly screaming pollo frito for an hour. I later realized I was screaming “fried chicken.” FML

Today, I had a sexy dream, woke up and started to masturbate quite vigorously. When I finished, I hopped off the top bunk naked to see my brother and his girlfriend laying in the bottom bunk. FML

Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn’t until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML

Today, I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back home. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were “fooling around.” It started to get hot and he took out his penis for the first time. This was thee first one I’ve seen in real life so I decided I’d complimented it. I had no idea what to say so I said, “It’s pretty.” FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

Today, I got an “Enlarge your penis” email for the millionth time. I was about to dismiss it when I saw the FW: from my wife. FML

Today, my girlfriend of ten months sent me a picture message of her making out with a guy. Under it, it read, “you can pick your stuff up in the morning.” FML

Today, I came home from work late (2:30 am). As I snuck carefully into bed and laid down next to my sleeping future wife, my fiancée half awake said “No, no…Dan will be home soon.” I am Dan. FML

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend when I noticed a hickey near her hip. I said, “wow, last night was crazy, I don’t even remember doing that!” Without interrupting the action, she simply said, “You didn’t.” FML

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, “April Fool’s!” It’s March 19th. FML

Today, I called my girlfriend and she answered telling me how amazing the sex was last night and she can’t wait to see me later. I didn’t see her last night. FML

Today, after some passionate sex with my girlfriend, she exclaims “that was amazing Drew…” She quickly tried to turn “Drew” into my actual name which does not sound a thing like Drew. FML

Today, my husband found the box my morning after pill came in. He had a vasectomy 10 years ago. FML

Today, I was driving 3 of my guy friends to a party that was half an hour away. There was an awkward silence for most of the trip. I just figured out why now. I’ve had sex with all 3 of my guy friends. They talk about it when I’m not around. FML

Today, I had my first kiss with this guy that I really liked. We started making out and he stopped and had this bizarre look on his face. I thought he was liking it, so I said, “You’re a good kisser, you wanna go to the bedroom?” He replied with, “I’ll pass, you have really bad breath.” FML

Today, was my boyfriends birthday. He wanted a blowjob while playing Call of Duty 4. In typical gamer fashion, he slammed his controller down when he died. Into my head. FML

Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting me in the nuts. Hard. FML

Today, I had sex with this guy i really like for the first time. After, we were laying in bed listening to music. When the song finished he leaned over and said, “You know what you and that song have in common?” I smiled and said, “What?” He replied with, “You just got played, get out of my bed.” FML

Today, my mother found condoms in my room. She asked why and I said “Just in case.” She started laughing hysterically. FML

Today, I was talking to this guy I’m dating and stated that the only reason I am with him is because of what he buys me. I was joking. He then responded that he doesn’t care because the only reason he is with me is because I give good head. He was serious. FML

Today, I was having amazing sex with this guy I had been seeing for awhile. It got really intense, so did my moans. Guys usually like when I moan, but he just put his hands over my mouth and told me to “shut up” because it sounded like “pig noises”. FML

Today, I was dressing in my apartment when I noticed I left the blinds open. Outside, a maintenance man was mowing the grass within eyeshot. I figured I'd leave the blinds open and give him a little peek of the goods. Later I found a note on my window saying, 'Next time, close the blinds'. FML

Today, I was with a group of friends at a bar, and we were all talking about whether we were moaners, screamers, or quiet during sex. My boyfriend said that he was a moaner, which I contradicted. Completely straightfaced, he said, "Well, I am when it's good." FML

Today, I was telling my boyfriend I had fake orgasms all the time to piss him off. He replied: "that's okay, I'm f***ing three other girls." FML

Today, I accidently walked in on my girlfriend masturbating so I said to her "Need a hand with that?", to which she replied "I'm doing fine here on my own, don't ruin it". FML

Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'm confined to a wheelchair. FML

Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML

Today, I finally hooked up with a boy I really liked. We were lying in bed and my panties were already off when he asked me : "Would you also have sex with me if you weren't drunk?". I responded "Yes!" and asked him the same question, at which he responded : "No, probably not." FML

Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML

Today, my inebriated boyfriend and I were having sex. He rolls off of me without finishing, and says, "i'm bored." FML

Today, I had sex for the first time with the guy I've been seeing about a month. When we finished, all he wanted to do was kiss and cuddle, and all I could think about was how soon he would leave so I could cry. FML

Today, I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. Later she calls me demanding to know how long I've been cheating on her. We don't use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. FML

Today, I finally had sex with a girl I've been dating for over a month. Before we got started she told me not to worry about the birth control because she could handle that. So after we finished I asked her what kind of birth control she used. She said she meditated. FML

Today, I had the closing shift at work in a cafe and there was a man and lady left. I made them coffee and started to close up. When the lady finished her coffee she grabbed my arm and said 'I think that man is masturbating' and leaves in a hurry. I had to wait for him to finish before closing. FML

Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. Halfway there she turns and says, "I wish you were a vampire" and goes back home. FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then proceeded to call out my own name by accident. FML

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

Today, I went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor went through the normal questions, then paused for a moment and jotted something down. Later when I got back my report from the checkup, I noticed that the doctor had checked the "no" box by "sexually active." She didn't even ask me that. FML

Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML

Today, I was emailing my professor about what chapters our test is on this afternoon. She accidentally emailed me informing me of the date she went on last night, including that she "got laid... yay!!" and a picture. I still don't know what chapters I'm being tested on. FML

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML

Today, I was feeling horny at work all day so I texted my wife tellng her nasty things I wanted to do with her when we got back. When I came home, I was all aroused and ready to pounce. She gave me a handjob. While watching 'wheel of fortune'. FML

Today, I performed in my school play. Right before my big solo, I noticed a few girls changing backstage and I became aroused. The play was Jesus Christ Superstar, and I was playing Jesus. All I was wearing was a little cloth, so the whole audience saw Jesus get hard during the crucifixion. FML

Today, cops showed up at my apartment demanding to look inside. Satisfied with the search, they told me they had received a noise complaint. More specifically, hearing screams someone believed a girl was getting raped. I had two friends over and we had been wrestling. The three of us are male. FML

Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5 minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped and she went to the bathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided to check if she was ok. The window was open. She was gone. FML

Today, completely nude, I had to collect my clothes around the boy’s apartment I have been sleeping with for awhile. While his girlfriend watched to make sure I “got the fuck out.” FML

Today, I finally convinced my husband of 8 years to partake in a threesome with a guy that works with me and for which I have developed feelings. Everything was going well until in the heat of the moment my husband started performing oral sex on my colleague. I can't face either of them now. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused and asked me, "what do I do now?" FML

Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had 'something serious' to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

Today, I saw an attractive man outside the club I was trying to get into to. We talked, and ended up having sex in my apartment. The next day when I was dropping him off, I discovered he was homeless and was outside the club begging for money. My house is suddenly out of bread and cheese.

Today, my mom told my boyfriend all about how she had to be a parent volunteer when I was in kindergarten. Apparently I used to masturbate in class by rubbing myself against the edges of chairs and tables. The teacher thought it would be best if my mom was there to make me stop. FML

Today, me and my boyfriend had some crazy rough sex. In the process I ended up with huge bruises and bite marks all over my neck and chest. I'm giving a speech on domestic violence today. FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

Today, my teacher confiscated my cell phone for text messaging. He said he would give it back if the next text that I would receive was important. I prayed the guy I've been texting didn't send the dick pic he said he was going to. He did. FML

Today, I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the baby is now engaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with when I became pregnant. I'm going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnant with his child, at their wedding. FML

Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. FML

Today, I was drunk and horny. So I texted "I want to fuck your pussy" to my girlfriend. I later realized that I had accidentally substituted the s for the p, and actually said "I want to fuck your puppy." FML

-Jack

I Like to Watch

While going through some boxes in my office this past week, I came across a small handheld back massager that plugs into a computer's USB port. I had received it as a gift from a client the previous Christmas and had forgotten about it. I plugged the massager in, flipped a switch, and felt it come to life in my hand. Satisfied that it worked, I put it aside.

That afternoon, I found Jill busy doing some work on her laptop. "I've got something for you," I said, and I plugged the massager into the USB port on the side. After a moment, she looked up from her work, her eyes widening with interest. I held out my hand, revealing the massager, and placed it on the desk beside Jill's laptop.

"What is that?" she asked. I turned it on, and it began to vibrate noisily against the desk.

"It's a back massager." I leaned close to her and placed it against her breasts, then turn it off and set it down on the desk. "I'm never going to use it," I told her. "You can have it, if you want." She thanked me, and resumed her work. Thinking nothing of it, I went into the backyard to mow the lawn.

I walked back inside a half hour later. The house was quiet, just as I expected it to be. I found Jill in the living room, lying on the sofa. Her pants were bunched up around her right ankle, her bare left leg up over the back of the couch. She massaged her thighs, her eyes dreamily half-closed. Jill's chest rose slowly and fell again as she recovered from an orgasm that I was sad to have missed.

Her laptop sat on the coffee table, the new massager hanging from the table by its power cord. On the screen, a pretty brunette wearing a collar and nothing else rode one guy while stroking another. Jill stared at the screen for a moment before turning to face me. "Your turn."

Even though I missed the show, I was terribly excited. We ran to our bedroom. No foreplay was needed; I was ready to go and my performance was fueled by the thoughts of Jill exploring her body while I mowed the lawn. After my climax, I suggested we go back out to the living room. I was hoping that Jill would want to play again, with an audience this time.

-Jack